Don't ask me about my weight right now, I don't even want to think about it!
I actually just purchased some shorts on the Old Navy website because I could not find my size in stores. I guess they only sell size 18 online, which is extra annoying because I don't want to wait. I also tried on about 1,000 dresses at my local Old Navy today, too. What I hate about fitting rooms is the uncomfortable interrogations that typically follow the return of the items you tried on... I mean, honestly, I usually feel horrible about myself after I try on clothes and I'd rather throw the items at the people manning the folding station than talk to them.
"Did those work out for you?" .
"Were you unhappy with the color, size, or fit?"
"Would you like me to grab some more sizes for you?"
"What size are you wearing? We have those on that rack over there."
"I see you have some clearance items..."
Customer service-smervice. Just ignore me and let me live my life!
My trip to Ohio is a little more than a week away and I'm caving in to my current body situation instead of living in some dream world that includes my body somehow squeezing into the size 16 shorts I have stockpiled for "someday." It's okay. Really! Someday when I go home, people will talk about how much weight I've lost instead of whatever they say now (I can only imagine!). Who cares, I'm still a good person and I still live a good life.
You really have to put life into perspective when you start to feel bad about yourself.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Something New
Well... I haven't actively singled out one thing to be my "something new." That doesn't mean I haven't tried something new, though. It just means I've been unorganized and loosing my drive to be a gung-ho go-getter.
To solve this problem and make myself feel better, here's a list of every possible thing I can think of that I've done this month that might be a new experience:
- went to 18 vendors for the Reno Wine Walk after visiting 17 last year
- watched Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs
- TRIED A NEW THAI RESTAURANT NEAR MY HOUSE!!! (In all-caps because I had an epiphany just now while typing)
- actually bought the things I wanted at IKEA, instead of just pining after them
- read a whole book in a 4 hour period (not a new habit, but it was a new book)
- successfully sailed many a yard in one day earlier this month
- uhhhhhhhh...........
Well, I suppose that this is probably good enough proof, right?
 |
| Bottle brushes, duvet, apron, 2 pillows, 2 pillow covers, the blue bag... IKEA! |
As for the Thai place, I tried it because I was in the mood for spicy noodles and had received a recommendation from my boyfriend's mom. I walked in, looked at the menu, and got super excited because I thought I had found a replacement for a place we love in Reno. I placed my order and started dreaming of our awesome future because we had finally found an appropriate replacement. I even imagined travelling to Thailand and told myself that Thai food was my favorite type of food (except it's not, Indian food is my fave!). Then, once my order was up, I hopped into the car and tried one of the things I had ordered. My hopes and dreams were completely crushed! My boyfriend ended up liking the meal, but we are still on the hunt!
Friday, May 10, 2013
Excuses Why Resolution #1 Hasn't Taken Off:
1. I hate my gym. It's stinky, sweaty, and dirty. They don't have cleaning supplies for patrons to wipe down the machines and I just feel down right gross sitting on a machine that some nasty, sweaty man just finished using. Plus, I don't like the thought of being "that girl" who carries around a bag of lysol wipes and vigorously cleans the machines before and after each use. The employees are never, and I mean ever, cleaning anything. One time, this chick was vacuuming the same spot for thirty minutes while watching Twilight (not even freaking kidding, ask my boyfriend!). That is the extent of the cleaning we have witnessed. On top of that, we've been at the gym until 8:45 p.m., 15 minutes before closing and have not witnessed a single machine being cleaned...
***Normally, I would not be such a germaphobe, but a few years ago a co-worker of mine got a staph infection from using unclean equipment at her gym. It was freaking nasty and staph infections are pretty freaking dangerous!***
Another thing that makes me uncomfortable about Fitness 19: there are high school kids that are in there at all hours of the day having pissing contests and creepy guys that stare at chicks (the one or two who frequent). The staff is incredibly rude and mocked me the last time I came in because I asked about my membership card (that I still not have received after joining in Jan/Feb). All-in-all, it's hecka sketch.
My boyfriend and I are considering a switch to 24 Hour Fitness, which is a pretty big chain out west. I just need a change and my boyfriend is being pretty supportive about that, I guess. He is a little annoyed though that we've waited this long to switch. Sorry!
2. I don't want to work out outside. Everyone can see me and judge me. Look at that fat chick running like an idiot. Wow, her legs must be hungry because they're practically eating those shorts. Maybe if you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't be so fat.
I feel embarrassed when I go outside to run/walk because we live on a busy street and I feel as if I look completely stupid. I'm especially embarrassed when I pass other runners/walkers because I feel like they're really judging me because they're always in what appears to be tip-top shape. I understand it's all in my head and the hardest part is getting out of the door each day. Once I'm outside, I don't think too much about what other people are saying/thinking.
Also, something else that ties into #3, I don't want to announce to the whole house that I'm going to work out. I don't want them knowing my business or judging me if I don't appear to lose weight. I also don't want their two cents about how I should be doing this, that, and the other.
3. I don't want to work out at home. I'm pretty self conscious at home because my boyfriend's parents have "talked" to me (more like lectured me on shit I could read in a magazine) about my weight. I love them, they love me; but they are know-it-alls. I understand their interest in my well-being (because that leads to the well-being of their son, etc.), but it doesn't come off as helpful.
I am a sensitive person who wants to feel accepted. I do not want to be mid-workout and have someone come home and watch me. Or laugh. Or anything at all. I don't want to be congratulated on working out or be told, "you're looking pumped" just because I went to the gym once. I feel like you're making fun of me and it makes me feel even more self-conscious. If you care about me at all, don't bring it up. Just. Don't.
When you ask, "so how much exactly do you weigh?" and I tell you not to ask, saying "that much, huh?" is not the appropriate response. Unless you are my doctor, or, I'm consulting you about my weight, there is no reason whatsoever that you should feel inclined to ask. Yes, I am broadcasting my personal weight to the world via my blog, but that is a controlled environment where I feel safe. It in no way is an invitation for anyone to make me feel any different.
4. I'm always too tired, too busy, too... everything but motivated to work out. Most mornings I wake up and say, "Maybe today is the day" and I dream about going out into the big, big world and actually committing to getting fit. Oh, but I haven't had enough water. And I'm a little too tired, I should try to get 8 hours of sleep first. Maybe I should wait for Sean to get home? Oh, let me just do this first. It's too hot. I just ate (or, I just ate a big meal). Maybe I should eat something healthy first? I haven't ate yet today. All I've had are sugary snacks/sweets, I'll start over again tomorrow. You know what, today I'll splurge, tomorrow I'll get my rear into gear. It's okay, I'm starting a diet on Monday. I'll work out later, I wanna watch this show first. It's too dark/it's getting dark.
You have just read most of my excuses that I use on a daily basis. Yes, I used tv as an excuse! Yes, it is sad. The best part- we have DVR! That means I could watch my shows at any time of the day at any point of time in the week...
5. I am not in a good mental place right now. After typing up all this junk, I have realized that I'm not really doing myself any favors in the self-esteem department. I'm not crazy, don't get worried by the "mental place" part of that statement!
Part of this realization comes from my ability to recognize that I've been really bitter and resentful about a lot of things in the last few years. I'm not sure if this stems from jealousy or self-loathing of some kind, but I've noticed the change in myself and I don't like it.
The other part comes from knowing how I feel about my body image. I hate shopping for clothes. I am a size 18, which is not exactly a widely available size. I walk into a mall and think, "Maybe I'll get lucky and find something that fits." I think my growing size these last 4.5 years explains why I've shifted from strictly pants to mostly dresses, really. Most of the time, a dress is bigger and looser than the size on the tag, which makes me feel thinner and better about myself. Sometimes I see myself in the mirror and think, "what happened?" and I don't know how to get back from the point that I'm at now.
_______________________________________________
BLAH! All this negativity in one post is so yucky. Look what I did about it:
***Normally, I would not be such a germaphobe, but a few years ago a co-worker of mine got a staph infection from using unclean equipment at her gym. It was freaking nasty and staph infections are pretty freaking dangerous!***
Another thing that makes me uncomfortable about Fitness 19: there are high school kids that are in there at all hours of the day having pissing contests and creepy guys that stare at chicks (the one or two who frequent). The staff is incredibly rude and mocked me the last time I came in because I asked about my membership card (that I still not have received after joining in Jan/Feb). All-in-all, it's hecka sketch.
My boyfriend and I are considering a switch to 24 Hour Fitness, which is a pretty big chain out west. I just need a change and my boyfriend is being pretty supportive about that, I guess. He is a little annoyed though that we've waited this long to switch. Sorry!
2. I don't want to work out outside. Everyone can see me and judge me. Look at that fat chick running like an idiot. Wow, her legs must be hungry because they're practically eating those shorts. Maybe if you didn't eat so much, you wouldn't be so fat.
I feel embarrassed when I go outside to run/walk because we live on a busy street and I feel as if I look completely stupid. I'm especially embarrassed when I pass other runners/walkers because I feel like they're really judging me because they're always in what appears to be tip-top shape. I understand it's all in my head and the hardest part is getting out of the door each day. Once I'm outside, I don't think too much about what other people are saying/thinking.
Also, something else that ties into #3, I don't want to announce to the whole house that I'm going to work out. I don't want them knowing my business or judging me if I don't appear to lose weight. I also don't want their two cents about how I should be doing this, that, and the other.
3. I don't want to work out at home. I'm pretty self conscious at home because my boyfriend's parents have "talked" to me (more like lectured me on shit I could read in a magazine) about my weight. I love them, they love me; but they are know-it-alls. I understand their interest in my well-being (because that leads to the well-being of their son, etc.), but it doesn't come off as helpful.
I am a sensitive person who wants to feel accepted. I do not want to be mid-workout and have someone come home and watch me. Or laugh. Or anything at all. I don't want to be congratulated on working out or be told, "you're looking pumped" just because I went to the gym once. I feel like you're making fun of me and it makes me feel even more self-conscious. If you care about me at all, don't bring it up. Just. Don't.
When you ask, "so how much exactly do you weigh?" and I tell you not to ask, saying "that much, huh?" is not the appropriate response. Unless you are my doctor, or, I'm consulting you about my weight, there is no reason whatsoever that you should feel inclined to ask. Yes, I am broadcasting my personal weight to the world via my blog, but that is a controlled environment where I feel safe. It in no way is an invitation for anyone to make me feel any different.
4. I'm always too tired, too busy, too... everything but motivated to work out. Most mornings I wake up and say, "Maybe today is the day" and I dream about going out into the big, big world and actually committing to getting fit. Oh, but I haven't had enough water. And I'm a little too tired, I should try to get 8 hours of sleep first. Maybe I should wait for Sean to get home? Oh, let me just do this first. It's too hot. I just ate (or, I just ate a big meal). Maybe I should eat something healthy first? I haven't ate yet today. All I've had are sugary snacks/sweets, I'll start over again tomorrow. You know what, today I'll splurge, tomorrow I'll get my rear into gear. It's okay, I'm starting a diet on Monday. I'll work out later, I wanna watch this show first. It's too dark/it's getting dark.
You have just read most of my excuses that I use on a daily basis. Yes, I used tv as an excuse! Yes, it is sad. The best part- we have DVR! That means I could watch my shows at any time of the day at any point of time in the week...
5. I am not in a good mental place right now. After typing up all this junk, I have realized that I'm not really doing myself any favors in the self-esteem department. I'm not crazy, don't get worried by the "mental place" part of that statement!
Part of this realization comes from my ability to recognize that I've been really bitter and resentful about a lot of things in the last few years. I'm not sure if this stems from jealousy or self-loathing of some kind, but I've noticed the change in myself and I don't like it.
The other part comes from knowing how I feel about my body image. I hate shopping for clothes. I am a size 18, which is not exactly a widely available size. I walk into a mall and think, "Maybe I'll get lucky and find something that fits." I think my growing size these last 4.5 years explains why I've shifted from strictly pants to mostly dresses, really. Most of the time, a dress is bigger and looser than the size on the tag, which makes me feel thinner and better about myself. Sometimes I see myself in the mirror and think, "what happened?" and I don't know how to get back from the point that I'm at now.
_______________________________________________
BLAH! All this negativity in one post is so yucky. Look what I did about it:
 |
| I love using my Polar HRM! |
(Almost) Mid-May Resoulution Update
1. Lose 1 pound per week. I wouldn't say that I've lost motivation, but instead I've lost momentum. This resolution is constantly on my mind and I'm constantly thinking about how if I would have just committed early on, I would be so proud of myself right now. Instead I'm wallowing in remorse and sometimes that makes me a feel a little hopeless. I feel like this resolution really deserves it's own post right now, so I'm not going to go into details.
Starting out, I weighed 233 lbs. (that's what I've observed through the evidence in this post). By now, I should have lost approximately 19 lbs, which would put me at 214 lbs. I could really kick myself right now! Whatever, get over it. IOU: 18 lbs.
2. Make a better effort to keep in touch with family/friends. I bought a Blue Tooth, which believe it or not, has spiked my communication with my dad and my mom. I really like talking on the phone in the car when I'm alone (ironic, I'll explain why at a later date!), but it's too much of a hassle to hold the phone up to my ear and drive at the same time... plus, it's illegal in Nevada and California! I don't think I'm really doing such a great job otherwise. I don't call my friends in Ohio and my brother doesn't return my phone calls.
I've realized that I don't like to text, which is a small problem considering that's the main mode of communication these days. It's too time consuming and I don't want to be tied to my phone 24/7. I just don't have the attention span for it! I could lament by wishing my friends could understand, but I'm not exactly calling them all the time to keep in touch and demonstrate my perferred method of communication (which, actually I don't care to talk on the phone that much, either). I don't really know what's wrong with me, to be honest.
What I'm going to do about it: Starting today, I'm going to plan out my communication for the week with a mini-schedule. I'll write down all of the people I would like to talk to and just call them. That's it! With a Blue Tooth, I can call anytime and still do normal people things and not complain about the hassle of holding my phone- truly I have no excuses at this point (aside from being at work or not hearing back from someone).
3. Plan a road trip to break in my new car. Complete as of March. It feels good!
4. Try something new at least once a month. This month I haven't tried anything new. I still have 21 days to think of something!
Btw- April I tried knitting. I went out, bought bamboo sticks, a knitting book, and some sweet ass purple yarn. I got to knitting right away and knitted a scarf while marathoning The OC. After spending several hours knitting (and super sore fingers!), I realized that I was supposed to be counting my stitches the whole time and unraveled the scarf I had completed. I really wish I would have taken a picture, but I didn't because I was so annoyed I just unraveled it as soon as I realized my mistake. I haven't made another attempt since!
5. Write for fun at least once a week. Totally happening. I've been writing down ideas for my future classroom whenever I think of something. Plus, there's this blog and my personal journal. Woo-hoo, I'm not a complete failure!
Starting out, I weighed 233 lbs. (that's what I've observed through the evidence in this post). By now, I should have lost approximately 19 lbs, which would put me at 214 lbs. I could really kick myself right now! Whatever, get over it. IOU: 18 lbs.
2. Make a better effort to keep in touch with family/friends. I bought a Blue Tooth, which believe it or not, has spiked my communication with my dad and my mom. I really like talking on the phone in the car when I'm alone (ironic, I'll explain why at a later date!), but it's too much of a hassle to hold the phone up to my ear and drive at the same time... plus, it's illegal in Nevada and California! I don't think I'm really doing such a great job otherwise. I don't call my friends in Ohio and my brother doesn't return my phone calls.
I've realized that I don't like to text, which is a small problem considering that's the main mode of communication these days. It's too time consuming and I don't want to be tied to my phone 24/7. I just don't have the attention span for it! I could lament by wishing my friends could understand, but I'm not exactly calling them all the time to keep in touch and demonstrate my perferred method of communication (which, actually I don't care to talk on the phone that much, either). I don't really know what's wrong with me, to be honest.
What I'm going to do about it: Starting today, I'm going to plan out my communication for the week with a mini-schedule. I'll write down all of the people I would like to talk to and just call them. That's it! With a Blue Tooth, I can call anytime and still do normal people things and not complain about the hassle of holding my phone- truly I have no excuses at this point (aside from being at work or not hearing back from someone).
4. Try something new at least once a month. This month I haven't tried anything new. I still have 21 days to think of something!
Btw- April I tried knitting. I went out, bought bamboo sticks, a knitting book, and some sweet ass purple yarn. I got to knitting right away and knitted a scarf while marathoning The OC. After spending several hours knitting (and super sore fingers!), I realized that I was supposed to be counting my stitches the whole time and unraveled the scarf I had completed. I really wish I would have taken a picture, but I didn't because I was so annoyed I just unraveled it as soon as I realized my mistake. I haven't made another attempt since!
5. Write for fun at least once a week. Totally happening. I've been writing down ideas for my future classroom whenever I think of something. Plus, there's this blog and my personal journal. Woo-hoo, I'm not a complete failure!
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Hello, May!
Weddings are one month away!
Here's my progress with resolution #1:
I haven't done anything really to accomplish progress; I haven't worked out or even walked the dogs! I feel the pressure of this month's end, but it doesn't motivate me to get up off of the couch! Plus, the heat in California lately has been killing me- whatever motivation I have in the morning is gone by the time I get home from work after spending so much time outside!
What I would really like to do is start running in the mornings. I keep saying that I'm going to start... I actually wanted to start running in the morning as one of my resolutions two years ago... As a college student, I chose to sleep in instead!
I haven't decided what my "something new" for May is yet. I'm slightly out of ideas because I've been preoccupied by organizing my life in preparation for this summer in Cincinnati and Santa Cruz, immediately followed by my move to Las Vegas. I've been thinking of trying to get 8 hours of sleep every day, or, at least 5-6 nights a week. I cannot actually remember the last time I had 8 hours of sleep and I've heard it can be life changing, haha.
Here's my progress with resolution #1:
.JPG) |
| Like my tan lines? |
What I would really like to do is start running in the mornings. I keep saying that I'm going to start... I actually wanted to start running in the morning as one of my resolutions two years ago... As a college student, I chose to sleep in instead!
I haven't decided what my "something new" for May is yet. I'm slightly out of ideas because I've been preoccupied by organizing my life in preparation for this summer in Cincinnati and Santa Cruz, immediately followed by my move to Las Vegas. I've been thinking of trying to get 8 hours of sleep every day, or, at least 5-6 nights a week. I cannot actually remember the last time I had 8 hours of sleep and I've heard it can be life changing, haha.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)